haha, that was amazing. I would just take out a few things...
"Surface...a complete turnaround. Painting, meditation, forest walks, reconnecting with himself, organic food, yoga, cardigans, "i like her for her personality", "I like her becasue she is my age", chai tea, philosophy, sitting cross legged, coffee cups, composing eulogies, single speed bikes, man purses, thick rimmed glasses, patchy beards, and surface skis.
That should be thier motto!"
It got a little wordy at the end, but damn, good work.