BREAKING NEWS:
From the Associated Press News Wire
10JUL2007
Legendary skiers caught browsing newschoolers.com:
Recent footage from monday uncovered a number of 'the great ones' browsing the Newschoolers.com community site in recent days. One high profile skier, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, was quoted as stating "Yeah, I had heard of a site called Newschoolers, and I thought it [...] was a pretty chill idea. I must have had the wrong address, because the site I found was just a bunch of Immortal Technique threads, rick rolls, and 14 year olds talking about their quasi-gay experiences in the woods."
Industry experts agree that the site (which bills itself as a special interest group for the "New School" ski community) has gravely deteriorated into litterally millions of posts worth of unintelligable pre-teen banter. The situation, they agree, is quite dire.
"The very future of our sport is in jeopardy as it stands right now." stated maytagman, renamed 'Worst.NS.Member' by rogue actors linked with the site's own elite terrorist shock troops, the Jamaat al Sushi wal Jihad. Maytag continues, "This is a battle of civilizations. The Over-the-Hill crowd versus the literal 'New School' generation. The only way we can secure our future is to win the hearts and minds of the people, but our progress has been stymied by the Rick Rolls."
Though the future is indeed uncertain for skiing in general, the progress made by the Ladies Men 21+ international coalition is undeniable. Hundreds of al Sushi fighters were killed in a coalition raid last Thursday, including a top regional commander. Our field correspondant, Phil MacCrackin, was able to interview one of the Al Sushi extremist squad leaders, who had this to say: "It was terribble. At first, thanks be to Mod, we thought we had met with victory. But [the coalition forces] began using a weapon we had not before seen. It was as if their sentences were formed correctly, and their grammar was top-notch. Our guys were dropping like flies after that. We just can't seem to form our thoughts coherantly like they can. But, Mod willing, we will have our victory."
Only time will tell the outcome of this vicious battle. Further reporting will follow as warranted.
