Alright, RANT TIME!

I broke my hand last week and got bored. Enjoy.

Coming into Plymouth State, I had a vision. That vision was that one day my children would come to this place and also have the same high expectations I had, and leave without an ounce of disappointment. Those expectations will include alcohol fueled parties every night of the week, and skiing during in the days- I am transferring out.
My expectations are met with the help of close by mountains and on campus licker stores. Not only are my expectations being fulfilled, but also those of every kid on my floor, excluding my two neighbors across the hall- the responsible partiers. Every night, silence fills our hall only to be broken in few minute intervals by loud rapping on doors, bodies hitting into the walls, and the war cry of a drunken cub who got separated from the pack. I would help the cub find his/her way but I am busy sleeping because that is what us day walkers do two hours past midnight. They would come out every night knowing that the CA would only write them up if they killed a man.
My roommate is one of those night crawlers. His internal clock is shifted to where it thinks the sun rises an hour past noon. I can hear him now juggling the keys outside in an attempt to open our unlocked door. It is dinner time, he has been up for four hours and he is again finding a new meaning to the term “higher learning.” What a wonderful life he has. He is a skin waste bucket. God’s bin of excess skin from Hollywood’s countless tummy tucks and circumcisions from Jewish families the world over.
We are not that different. We both are white, and have broken left hands. Sure mine came from doing a sport, while his from punching the wooden, alcohol and puked stained floor of his frat house, intoxicated, but that is aside the point. We are brothers- not relatives but more like how black people use it. We are together in this struggle against this institute to gain and maintain a high GPA so we can live off our parent’s money for another year. That is until I move out tomorrow and forget about him until I read about him in the local newspaper, "Local PSU Student Dies After Tragic Elephant Walk With Fellow Frat Members."
I think he realized this because he created a lullaby song to coax me to stay. It was called, “Puking in the Trash,” how nice of him. I enjoyed it so much that he came up with other classics for me such as, “Late Night Microwave Snacks,” and, “Rapapolooza at 3:00 AM.”
The skiing is keeping me sane enough so that I do not recreate the prison scene in, “Full Metal Jacket”; towel and a bar of soap anyone? Skiing is barely holding my marbles together. Less than two inches has fallen with five days left until the day the jolly old fat man breaks into little kids homes terrorizing many a fire place with his diabetic ass. Praise Tom Cruise and Scientology for man-made snow!
Who does the ninety percent Liberal student body blame for this bad ski season? Everyone but them. I did not know SUV hybrids and Audi electric cars existed and were affordable to college students. I guess they have special privileges being experts at bitching about Bush and everything else. No silly Liberal college student, politics is for the educated. Even the Trix rabbit would agree on that one. Let me fill your empty heads, PSU Liberals, for a minute.
I am republican. That does not mean I support Bush in all his decisions, it means that I think Al Gore is a fucking idiot- for cereal. Yes there is global warming but Gore thinks that us humans are the cause. Amazing how two hundred years of pollution could destroy a planet of four billion years. It is a natural process this blue ball goes through and it would still occur even if we never invented the wheel. That is the inconvenient truth, young liberal, so go do something else productive like trying to prove the government was behind 9-11.
When coming into Plymouth, I had a vision. I had a vision of a cool roommate that was literate, and a level-headed student body. Sure there are many that are, but I can only think of the other three thousand. I also had a vision that the skiing would be heaven, but only to receive a fate worse than Hell; at least Hell does not tempt you with snow only to have it melt a day later.


I typed this with one hand because I rule like that.