A guy's response to
50 things girls wish guys knew....
1)You have to tell a girl how you feel
about her...we make no assumptions.
Trust me, you don't want that.
2)It never hurts to work out...take your
own advice.
Fair enough. How about you come work
out with us. We can start with football practice.
Not so easy huh?
3)Girls like sex just as much, if not more
than guys.
Do you really think we care? Just kidding.
Well you better enjoy it. Do you have any idea
how much effort we put into it? Making a male climax
is standard. Insert somewhere close, warm, prefferably moist.
Thrust. Repeat. Making a woman come, now therein lies a challenge.
4)Not all girls masturbate...we just don't
and no we are not lying.
Oh, I agree there are some. They're all
vegetables. Do us both a favor and quit the charade.
5)We hate porn.
Hmmm, not so much. I know a lot of girls
who either own porn or are openly fascinated with it.
Everyone, male or female can appreciate a nice pair of tits.
They're symmetrical circles within circles within spheres. It's aesthetically pleasing.
6)Hmmmm...guys in Jeeps...yummmm...
Hmmmm...girls in pudding...yummm...
7)Girls need food, water, and
compliments to survive.
Guys need beer, sex, and silence afterward.
8)We think about you all the time.
Damn skippy.
9)Being able to make us laugh is so much
more important than how much you can
bench-press.
Ladies, lets be honest, when a guy catches
your eye is it really because you're thinking
'I'll bet that guy is fucking hilarious?'
10)We may think you are gay if you wear
tighty-whities on a regular basis.
I totally concur.
11)Hold our hand.
Cup our balls.
12)No backseat drivers...NONE.
Learn how to drive and we'll be quiet.
We're concerned for the well being of all involved,
and when there's a woman behind the wheel, this means everybody on the road.
13)Girls generally don't like giving head,
so you better be ready to reciprocate if
and when you get it.
Fine. I personally enjoy going down. If a guy refuses,
you smell. And furthermore, I will listen to no complaints
about a girl performing fellatio. Swallowing a table spoon of
cream is a lot more enjoyable than licking a dead fish for half an hour.
14)We are not your all-night restaurant.
I'm not sure I understand. Is this in reference to 13?
I thought you wanted us to go down.
15)Anything we say or do during that 4
days to a week each month cannot be
held against us.
I'm guessing that this was written during that 4
day period. PMS is never an excuse, and it never
lasts for just 4 days. Some advice:
A) Take some Midol.
B) Stop telling us about your cramps, and how heavy
your flow is. We don't want to hear it.
I do agree that you guys do some crazy and sometimes
unforgivable stuff on your period, and we do take this into account.
That's why I don't trust anything that bleeds for 6 days and doesn't die.
16)If you hold our hand while you are
driving we will be thoroughly
impressed...especially if it's a stick.
If you give us head while we are driving we will be impressed,
especially if you do it in a jeep with no doors on it
(we've established already that they make you hot).
17)Under no circumstances will we have
a threesome.
Why not? Your sister already said she's in.
18)You look hot in hooded articles of
clothing.
You girls can make just about anything hot. Except capri pants.
They are hideous and make you look short and stubby.
19)If you think for any reason that we
don't like you then we probably don't.
If you think we don't like you, it's probably because
we've told you. We don't play games. Stop being fake.
20)Having us over while you and your
friends play video games does not count
as 'quality time'.
No it doesn't, but neither does shopping.
Try to exhibit a little bit of patience, like we do
when we wait by ourselves in the middle of Victoria's Secret
feeling like fucking perverts while you try on underwear.
Plus, no one is stopping you from joining in. A woman who knows how
to wield a video game controller is extremely sexy.
21)Just because we groom ourselves on
a regular basis does not mean we're high
maintanance.
Guys don't complain about grooming, in fact we greatly appreciate it.
However, while we're on the subject SHAVE. Not necessarily all of it,
but at least sculpt it into a nice line or a triangle. This will help out A LOT with #13.
22)Never comment on how much a girl
eats...ever.
Then never comment on how fat you think you are,
especially because almost every girl who says such things isn't.
23)Keep in mind that we withold sex
when we're mad at you, so you might
wanna get around to apologizing...
Wait a minute, I thought you said you enjoy sex
'as much, if not more' than we do.
Aren't you just punishing yourself?
24)You just can't force us to like
sports...especially those associated with
the WWF.
If it bothers you that much then don't come over when we watch them.
25)We're typically smarter than you...so
get over it and stop whining when we get
better grades than you.
That's possibly the most asinine and sexist thing I've ever heard,
but if it makes you feel better to think so then go right ahead.
26)If you do not own a wife-beater, stop
reading this list, and go invest in
one...right now.
Which trailer is yours again?
27)The ability to play the guitar will help
you get laid.
The ability to give a good lap dance will
be more than incentive enough for any guy to start playing the guitar.
28)We're sorry, Brad Pitt just IS hot...get
over it!!!
Indeed, Brad Pitt is an attractive man,
but he is also married... get over that.
29)Walks in the rain, kisses on the
forehead, and cooking dinner for us will
get you everywhere.
Expressing romantic sentiments in unique and
impressive ways is no easy task, nor should it be
entirely our responsibility. Nothing is stopping you from doing sweet things too.
Besides, all we ask is that you show up, be affectionate,
and know the alphabet (or parts thereof).
30)Just because we're in a serious
relationship doesn't mean we plan to
marry you someday, so stop being so
damn scared!!!
Serious relationship? Marriage? The only thing we're scared
of is you putting those three words in the same sentence.
31)If you're developing such good finger
skills playing video games, you better put
them to good use sometimes.
She's a slut. BONG!
32)Anything you do or say to another girl
that you wouldn't want us to know about
is considered cheating.
Anything YOU do to another girl, on the other hand,
I would probably want to videotape and save for
posterity.
33)If we can admit that we're wrong,
you'd better be able to do the same.
That was the first thing Eve said.
34)The excuse 'I can't dance' is
unacceptable...we'll appreciate the simple
fact that you're trying.
Same goes for when we ask you for head.
35)On that note, if you refuse to dance,
expect us to dance with other guys...and
lots of them.
Again, same with head.
36)Think before you speak...it'll make a
world of difference.
Think before you drink. Nobody likes that drunk girl
at a party who has 3 bitch beers and then acts like she
just polished off a fifth of Jack. You know who you are.
37)Not all girls kiss on the first date, get
over it...we're creatures of mystery.
If you're so mysterious, how come you stick most
of your mystery out of low cut shirts, or put it in pants
that look like they were shrink wrapped to your body.
It's just unnecessary. If you've got it, we know, and if
you don't, we don't want to see it anyways.
38)Make fun of our clothes...prepare to
die.
Make fun of our DVD collections and you can walk home.
39)We don't always expect you to pay
for us, but it doesn't hurt to at least offer
everyone once in a while.
*cough* *cough* bullshit
40)Tell us we're beautiful.
Okay, prove it.
41)The 'little things' in a relationship are
really the biggest.
Is this a penis reference?
42)Foreplay isn't something we should
have to ask for...it's a prerequisite.
Foreplay... you mean taking you out and spending
an ass-load of money on your dinner, drinks and dancing?
That always seems to be a prerequisite.
43)Don't screw us over...especially if we
have an older brother or protective guy
friends...they will hunt you down and kill
you.
That sounds a bit militant. Have you considered
joining the other side?
44)If you're gonna look at other girls, at
least make sure we don't see you do it.
If you're gonna look at other girls, let us know when
you pick a winner... maybe she'll complain less.
45)Just because we're still just 'hanging
out' doesn't make it ok to sleep with your
ex-girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.
'Hanging out' is girl code for cock tease.
Quit the bullshit and we will too.
46)No girl just wants to be your 'friend
with benefits'.
If this is so, then why does such a title exist?
Besides, you have as much to gain from said relationship
as we do, or do you retract statement #3.
47)We're sensitive too...be gentle (and
we're not talking about our hearts here
guys).
That's why they make lubricant. We can do it manually,
but some guys don't like spit-shining
a rainbow trout before jumping in for a swim (refer to 13 yet again).
48)One word when it comes to
smoking...quit.
One word when it comes to bitching and nagging about
all the things we supposedly need advice on... you guessed it.
And by the way, don't girls smoke too?
49)We reserve the right to hate all of
your ex-girlfriends.
We usually hate them too. That doesn't mean
we wouldn't have sex with them again though.
50)If we happen to trip, fall, etc, while
wearing the exceptionally high shoes that
we love, go ahead and laugh...we will
be...that is unless we hurt ourselves...
Oh, rest assured we will laugh. I believe that women's
footwear is based on a dare anyways. Look at some
of the stuff you guys strap on your feet and try to walk in.
On a serious note, we love you ladies, and this response is meant almost entirely in jest.
I won't write 50 things that girls should know because to do such would be pretentious and rude,
which is why I responded in the first place. We're just trying to do our best, and I think it's neither helpful
nor constructive to come up with a laundry list of complaints, 50 deep no less. Guys aren't perfect,
a lot of us are assholes, but we're trying. Now get back in the kitchen and make me
something to eat!... just kidding.
''Some say hope floats, my crew sunk their battleships. Seattle shit, the Northwest assassinate your catalyst.''
