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Family Guy Quotes:

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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
To all who are fans..I think the show is as good-was as good when the Simpsons were decent (mid 3rd-4th-5th season). Anywho just thought Ide start another posting to get rid of the boredom.

Chris: Dad its mom!
Peter: God, Please be summerset mom please be summerset mom...hello?
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Damn!
Lois: I was just calling to check up on my boys, see how you were doing...
Peter: Uhhhh ye were fine...
Lois: Whats all that noise? ( to the party going on with the other owners of the house)
Peter: Uhhh nothing nothing...(takes out tape recorder and holds it up to the phone...Lois voice sounds off as the play button is pressed PETER I NEED YOU TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH)
Peter: Ok Lois.....Lois I gotta go!
Peter: Holy crap Brian what are we going to do, Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days and were getting kicked outa the house tommorow!
Brian: What do you suggest?
Peter: GET OUT YOUR RING!
Brian: Peter thats not going to help anything!
Peter: COMMON....WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE...FORM OF STEAM!
Brian: We got these rings in a box of Francenberries.
Mar 27 2003 2:11AM
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canonrider
Posts: 2635 - Karma: 29
where peter and brian are going to that birthday place to check out stewies first birthday accomodations, and peter is retelling it to lois, to make it sound like the place was real shitty, and the convo goes like this

host - we have for flavors of icecream for the kids, strawberry, vanilla, chocolate and people

peter - wait what was that last one?

host - uh, chocolate

the dude says it hilarious... whatevas, we go
Bent Films
www.canonskiboards.com
Mar 27 2003 11:35AM
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Lord_Piot
Posts: 3727 - Karma: 13
family guy owns
___________________
Personaly I believe my short term memory has been affected but that is the main side effect and I also think maybe my short term memory has been affected.

Pimpin since Pimpin be Pimpin been Pimpin
Mar 27 2003 12:12PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
(At the condominium sales pitch dealy after getting a note about a free boat in the mail)

Salesguy: Hello, Mr. and Mrs Griffin? Well I know youve been here all day so if you'll just sign this contract without reading, Ill take your blank check...and you wont not be not loving your timeshare before you know it.

Peter: Whoa look slick we're not going to buy your lousy timeshare alright? Now wheres my boat?

Salesguy: *haha* Hold on.... You have a choic, you can have the boat.......OR the mystery box....

Lois: What are you crazy? Well take the boat...

Peter...Naaaa not so fast Lois.... a boats a boat, but the mystery box could be anything....it could even be a boat...

Lois: Then lets just get the boat!

Peter: We'll take the mystery box!
Mar 27 2003 12:58PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Peter: Oh man guys Im screwed how am I going to come up with 50 thousand dollars by tommorow?

Quagmire: Well...You could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks a piece....OR...OR...50 REALY fat chicks for 1000 bucks a piece.

*Everyone stares at Quagmire*

Quagmire: What don't look at me like that...Fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay!
Mar 27 2003 1:03PM
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CameIToeJam
Posts: 1468 - Karma: 11
Judge: I sentence you (Peter) to 20 years in prison.
Peter: OH NO!
Lois: OH NO!
Chris: OH NO!
Daughter (i forget her name): OH NO!
Brian: OH NO!
Kool-Aid Guy breaks through the wall: OHHH YEEAAAHHHH!!! (then he slowly backs up)






the challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else
Mar 27 2003 1:19PM
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Lateralis
Posts: 1228 - Karma: 332
^ is hilarious



'Now, I'm lubing up the little toy car so, I can put it in my bum' - Ryan Dunn
Mar 27 2003 1:28PM
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wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
Peter: Ok guys, we're playing Texas Holdem'
Ted Turner: Are Aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways
Bill Gates: Haha, He said they go both ways
(Group) HAhahahahahaha
Ted: Like a Bisexual
Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.


Western Canadian Separartist
Mar 27 2003 3:43PM
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con_cept
Posts: 1752 - Karma: 10
Episode where they move down south... It goes something a little like this:


Lois: Let's go into town, I'm sure we'll find something we all like.

Peter: Okay, but first I gotta go to the bathroom

Brian: Uh Peter there's only an outhouse

Peter: (Inside the outhouse) Lois I don't get it its just a hole, It doesn't go anywhere.... Oh.. Oh.. oh god it definately doesn't go anywhere!

(Bird lands on the roof, and knocks the outhouse over)

Peter: OH MY GOD it's everywhere!... It's in my racoon wounds!



I could list everything from that episeode. It's the funniest 1/2 hour of television... ever!



No Mr.Porcupine, I don't wanna see your weiner
Mar 27 2003 4:05PM
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con_cept
Posts: 1752 - Karma: 10
Also:

Newscaster: 'Now to the black weather forecast...'

Weatherman: 'It's go'n rain!'



No Mr.Porcupine, I don't wanna see your weiner
Mar 27 2003 4:08PM
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PurpleSkier
Posts: 5634 - Karma: 311
when hes like haha, your names peter, to peter
______________________________________


If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my wookie
Mar 27 2003 5:12PM
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hotdog.garbage
Posts: 1854 - Karma: 10
Quagmire: what'soin on guys? i was just jer....king out of a sound sleep.

and the one where peter is in the mental home and they ask his name.. 'pea....tear....griffin!!'
haha



bitches dig stitches
Mar 27 2003 5:25PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Oh god that blacky weather forecast one is fucking hillarious....

*Gumbel to Gumbel Beach justice*

In the interrogating room:

Matt Gumbel: Purse snatching...societys fault or one mans cry for help?

Theif: What are you talking about I wanted her freaking money!!

Gumbel: Uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh.....uh huh.....uh huh.

Mar 27 2003 5:31PM
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K_2
Posts: 1446 - Karma: 11
Stuey is the best character ever! The one where death comes is the greatest episode.
Best quote...

Some italian guy at a 'pet store'.

Italian guy #1: i would like a rabbit please.
Italian guy #2: A automoatic rabbit or a semiautomatic rabbit?
hahahahah
Mar 27 2003 6:26PM
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1212j5j5
Posts: 4495 - Karma: 14
oh fuck, i know anson will get in on this!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Official Co-leader of the Communist party of Newschoolers
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Official Benditto Hater Of NewSchoolers
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Work Pays off later, Laziness pays off now :D
If you cant say Fu** at least 10 times in one sentence, you must not really be upset.
Im Scared
When your going big mountain, off da cliffs, you gotta briing your first aid, your shovel, your water, your food, your helmet, your radio, all your safety gear, cuz diing aint livin man
Doug- FUck, that kid had no style, he wasnt even as high as my left testicle.
Travis- Yo man, i gotta go take a shit.
Ryan- Oh yeah, i dominated one this morning :P.
Mar 27 2003 6:27PM
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cams
Posts: 3937 - Karma: 26
Peter: am i supposed to conduct with my penis?
and when he finally pees by himself..
family guys the shit but i can't remember any of it


Smoking pot leads to uhh... I forget.

'What time is it?.. Saturday?
Mar 27 2003 6:42PM
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ski-bum-1080
Posts: 747 - Karma: 63
ahah family guy rocks!!

Daughter-O my god its the Hanson brothers!
Peter-O my god its the kids of corn!!(pulls out shotgun) ahahah
Mar 27 2003 6:44PM
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FreshCoast
Posts: 5602 - Karma: 34
Yes the black weather forcast quote is the funniest. Season 1 of Family Guy is coming out on DVD in a couple weeks!
________________________
Andrew

Like warm butter on your breakfast toast

*Proud member of Newschoolers for Peace*
Mar 27 2003 7:12PM
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Diabhal
Posts: 1003 - Karma: 10
The Banned Jewish eppisode
peter- optimus prime is jewish? *optimus prime comes into the cynagogue and puts on a yamakah,

Peter-Jews are great at everything math, lawyering, accounting, everything except physical labout
Lois-PETER! thats not true, they built the pyramids.

Hitler-Today on hitler we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Chritian Slader! now tell me, in your next movie do we get to see your but?
Christian-yes, uh yes you do
Hitler-can we see it now
C- alright Hitler
hitler- OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO DO IT!

Quagmire- Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the international house of tail

Clevland- Wow peter, your just like white version of a black guy who can't manage his money

'if you're in the mafia and they scratch your ass, but you don't scratch their ass back, THEY'LL FUCKING WACK YOU!'-This kid explain why this girl should let him touch her ass,
Mar 27 2003 8:27PM
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Itsbackfliptime
Posts: 18901 - Karma: 75
Chris: Dad? Whats the blowhole for?

Peter: I'll tell you what its not for son, and when I do you'll understand why I can never go back to sea world.

I've been downloading family guy episodes. I've gotten like 5 so far.

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
Mar 27 2003 8:33PM
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mariberries
Posts: 800 - Karma: 10
'I sentence you to kiss my ass!!'
marian
Mar 27 2003 10:31PM
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Caden
Posts: 3213 - Karma: 10
when peter is faking as somebody else in that nursing home type thing.

nurse person:sir, what is your name?
peter thinking quickly spots a pea left on somebody's plate, responds :pea...
he then sees a woman crying: tear
just then a griffin bird flies by: griffin!.. PETER GRIFFIN!



you can't touch me, nobody has that right.

NS Ogre Crew
Mar 27 2003 10:46PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Lois: Peter why are we stopped?
Peter: Um ya Ill have 3 cheeseburgers.
Lois: For God's sake Peter shes having a baby.
Peter: Oh ya thats right...and a kids meal....and uhhhh I guess Ill have fries.....If I have fries is anyone else going to have any? Cuz you know...I dont wanna be the only one eating them...I'll feel like a fatty.
Mar 28 2003 4:36PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
(After delivering Carols baby)
Peter: Oh my god its a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh a baby girl...
Peter: But she has a PENIS...we'll have to do something about that!
Mar 28 2003 4:39PM
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westcoaststyle
Posts: 4057 - Karma: 31
quagmire- hey baby, how old are you?
girl- 16
quagmire- 18!?
girl- mom!
quagmire- i like where this is going
________________________
Big Gulps eh? Well cya later

anal sex is unnatural wheres progression with that - bibskis

A proud memeber of the NS.com Cousin Exchange Program
Mar 28 2003 6:00PM
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tfeiss
Posts: 305 - Karma: 1,318
diane - '.. and let is also be noted that she consumed a record amount of semen'
tom - 'thats one hell of a hurricane diane'

and the one with the handicapped olympics, the long jump is sweet, when they just haul ass and hit a board and fly out the chair,



Bob: i want Jon's autograph
me: i will see what i can do
Bob: u grab the swedish bastard by the ears and tell him bob dake wants his autograph and hand him my card
Mar 28 2003 6:30PM
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wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
Quagmiere: Hey Hey Brian, What's with the Johnny Law routine.
Joe: Say hello to our newest nark, he's a natural
Quagmiere: Oh yeah? How, How good are ya?
Brian: *Sniffing* You're back from Manila, you had lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two phillapino women, *sniff sniff*, and a man.
Quagmiere: You mean three phillapino women (Staring blankly)
Brian: (Stares back)
Quagmieire: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


Western Canadian Separartist
Mar 28 2003 7:11PM
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con_cept
Posts: 1752 - Karma: 10
lol... oh yes this is great!!!! hahahahahaha



No Mr.Porcupine, I don't wanna see your weiner
Mar 28 2003 9:26PM
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Itsbackfliptime
Posts: 18901 - Karma: 75
Hey Dick Army. Whats your wife's name?
Vagina Coastgaurd?

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
Mar 29 2003 12:41PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Tom: 'Because of an accident at the Qualhog Cable Company all the television transmission will be out for an undetermined time.'
Tom: 'Of course no one can see this news program...so it doesn't really matter what we say...I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you Diane?'
Diane: 'Well Tom I just plain don't like black people...hahahaha...'
Techie: 'You guys we are still on in Boston...'

Mar 30 2003 12:58AM
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Anson
Posts: 1348 - Karma: 11
'The life of the wife is ended by the knife.'

Stuey: 'Let's hope Osama Bin Laden doesn't know show tunes...'
Osama: 'God, I hope i get it! I hope I get it! How many people does he need, how many boys how many girls...'

'It looks like the Griffin boys are gonna have to grow a pair of wings, or start flappin' thir arms real fast...'

Nigel: 'It appears I'm one of thos slimy British bastards you're talking about, bit of an awkward moment really.'
Peter: 'Awkward moment, I'll give you and awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois, Frank.'
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Official Leader of the Communist Party of Newschoolers
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Official Benditto Hater
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Whoow! You know you can't bring that weak ass stuff up in this hompybompy! You kill the joe, you make some moe! You know that baby! Else you in for a long day, a looong day, 'cause Triple T's in this BIIITCH!
Mar 30 2003 1:08AM
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enick
Posts: 2468 - Karma: 26
i don't have any special quotes...but that was a damn great show...i wanna get the first season on DVD really bad...but it's like $50.




clamin duece 8 since 3/2003...fo sho
Mar 30 2003 1:24AM
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godsDun
Posts: 1261 - Karma: 29
Quagmire crashes car, and inflatable woman come out as air bags, pussy to face:
Quagmire: 'Heh heh, awallllllll riiight.'
Its not winning or loosing that matters, its making fun of the fat kid that comes in last.
You can call me Bob........M.D.
Mar 30 2003 2:07AM
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bigskia
Posts: 3463 - Karma: 35
after recieving a massive welfare cheque:
Peter:I'm taking you guys out for the best meal of your life

Switches scenes to fastfood

Peter:Yes I would like two thousand chicken vajitas...


You don't know shit about fuck, my man-Robin Williams
Mar 30 2003 4:19PM
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NomenClature
Posts: 4348 - Karma: 83
right after giving peter $50 thousand the jim's bank manager goes through a door into jim's tatto parlor.

jim: so, what do you want on your thigh
Customer: i want a skull
jim: how about a nice kermit the frog
Customer: no i want a skull
jim: well i can draw a kermit the frog how about a nice kermit the frog
Customer: no i want a skull!
jim: ok im going to go ahead and do a kermit the frog.

deuce8 since 3/2003
Mar 30 2003 6:47PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Cheerleader locked up and gagged in bathroom stall: MMMMM MMMMMM MMMMMM....

Quagmire: Dear diary....JACKPOT!
Mar 31 2003 3:07PM
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Itsbackfliptime
Posts: 18901 - Karma: 75
Stewie: Perhaps I can move myself to Californ-I-A and wrangle me a threesome with the Olsen twins.

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
Mar 31 2003 3:45PM
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Gdawg3
Posts: 1956 - Karma: 10
I like where the son is identifying a guy from a lineup who just robbed a store, and Peter walks in and gives him the ID with a class schedule and a list of his fears, hahaha.


We have an old saying down on the bayou....Blehhhhh!!!
Mar 31 2003 3:51PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Robber: This is a hold up! Open the register!
Salesguy: I cant it only opens we it makes a sale.
Robber: Allright then give me one of them horroscope scrolls...and some skittles...(reading) Financial transaction benefits you today...?
Salesguy: WEIRD!
Mar 31 2003 9:42PM
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ghettoprep
Posts: 1075 - Karma: 10
wait, so can the family understand the baby or not? thats always bugged me.

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-Nell Cop
Mar 31 2003 11:01PM
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caleBCaleb
Posts: 1758 - Karma: 9
Chris: (when hearing the name of Brown university) BROWN'S THE COLOR OF POOP! HAHAHAHA!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

''...ride away clean and smiling, and taunt the rail by waving around your middle finger at it. (Note: if you have mittens on then it's important to take them off before preforming this procedure.'' -Boyd Easley (on rail sliding)
Apr 1 2003 12:23AM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Doctor: Well Rudolf we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolf: Is it pixie dust or leprachaun tails?
Doctor: No its a tumor.
Rudolf: You mean like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolf: Oh....Like a happy special....
Doctor: Your going to die!

Apr 3 2003 3:38AM
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westcoaststyle
Posts: 4057 - Karma: 31
god watches me do number 2? if im a sinner then gods a pervert
________________________
Big Gulps eh? Well cya later

anal sex is unnatural wheres progression with that - bibskis

A proud memeber of the NS.com Cousin Exchange Program
Apr 3 2003 5:04AM
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wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
Father Sapienza: yo, god is good uh? And he expects us to be good, and if you're not, he's gonna come down, and bust you're freaking skulls, amen.



Western Canadian Separartist
Apr 4 2003 4:45PM
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wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
Peter: Excuse me New Yorker, I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois: Peter are you crazy?!
New Yorker: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Peter: Oh? about the seat? Or about me plowing your father's wife?



Western Canadian Separartist
Apr 4 2003 4:47PM
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wrenegade
Posts: 6631 - Karma: 41
Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you....very homosexually.


Western Canadian Separartist
Apr 4 2003 4:53PM
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Mattman
Posts: 19108 - Karma: 16
Veteran owns!

but maybe you are just getting the post huh?


Jackass the Movie was sweet
Apr 4 2003 8:44PM
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GroundControl
Posts: 110 - Karma: 70
Black Knight: Hey whats your fat ass doing here?
Jester: Hes my only means of conveyance, but I guess I do spoil him.
Black Knight: Clearly you do..
Apr 4 2003 9:55PM
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roswel
Posts: 427 - Karma: 11
ya that show rocks. stuey is the best for sure. the teething one is really funny. oh ya... my dad's name is actually peter griffin...no joke.



some cougar at jozo's-
'what do i have to do to get your friend to come home with me'
Apr 6 2003 6:58PM
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Diabhal
Posts: 1003 - Karma: 10
Stewie looking at himself in the mirror: I am the token Fattie of cheersquad! (he runs to the toilet and throws up)

Quagmire(looking at inflatable doll with lois's face on it): Theres your hair lois, all you need now is some teeth and we're ready for our date!

'if you're in the mafia and they scratch your ass, but you don't scratch their ass back, THEY'LL FUCKING WACK YOU!'-This kid explain why this girl should let him touch her ass,
Apr 6 2003 7:09PM
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Itsbackfliptime
Posts: 18901 - Karma: 75
Chris: When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants I had to keep it there for a whole week. WHAT A WEEK!

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
Apr 6 2003 7:19PM
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