Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.


Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Of course he can't shoot out of his finger. The German died of fright.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't no no with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the
actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the [censored] out of viruses.
That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYAH".

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living $!@% out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the !@!@!@ when she didn't give him exact change.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Whoever told you there are special effects in the Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a ticket. And they never take it to court.