Kitten huffing is a great alternative to normal street drugs and vitamins. It is well known that ingesting kittens has its side effects, so please, don't huff more than two or three a day. Kitten-related human fatalities are no joke.
The technique that works the best tends to be the 'cupped hands approach'. This technique, developed by Santa Claus, quote, "...gets you high as a motherfucker!"
“I love those orange ones - they let me see through my hand.�
Step-by-step Instructions
1. Catch a live kitten.
2. Cup hands around kitten's head leaving a small hole for you to put your mouth around.
3. Inhale strongly until you have sucked the soul from the kitten.
4. Ride the snake. Don't fight it. You feel'n that shit yet? Yeeeeaah.
e. Discard the kitten at your closest Kitten Recycling Center. Don't be a dick. Recycle.
VI. In case of emergency contact your nearest Poison Control Center. And for God's sake make sure you're huffing the correct end of the kitten
Theories on Effects
Some say that the high you feel from kitten huffing comes from absorbing the soul exiting the body. Others say it is the post-mortem gases that the kitten expels that give the practice its euphoric effects. The truth is we have the combined efforts of the RIAA and the MPAA to thank for the practice and effect of kitten huffing. Without their tireless research, not only would we be without a great pastime, but we'd also have wasted hours of time reading factual data instead of their skewed data on music and movie sales.
Additionally, kitten huffing risks eternal damnation, as it is one of the Seven Deadly Sins...but man, the experience is WICKED.
Tolerance has been reported in habitual abusers. Goats are not an acceptable substitute for kittens, as they are born without souls, being creatures of Satan!
Where To Find Kittens
* Carlos, behind the 7-11.
* PetSmart
* petsovernight.com (
http://www.petsovernight.com)
* eBay -- Danger: may be used, and hence soulless.
* China.
* University
* Find a cat, which is perplexed by radio signals
Where Not To Find Kittens
(Note: Parents! These are great places to take your children to minimize the chance of them becoming furballs.)
* Nude Beaches
* Adult Bookstores
* Strip Bars
* Oxygen Deprived Environments
Furballs
As with all recreational animal use, there are tell-tale signs that a person has inhaled too much kitten: furballs. A furball, when dealt with by a cat, is a disgusting sight and sound, but when humans start doing it, justifiable homicide is the only cure. Don't bother patting them on the back as they hack up a pound of ginger hair, shoot them squarely in the face. It's for their own good.
The Fight Against Kitten Huffing
To be honest, there's not much of a fight going on; most of society now accepts kitten huffing (though not the furballs it can create). However, in the 1950s, the BBC did try to champion the notion that kitten huffing was a bad thing. A series of radio messages were recorded and played during Children's Hour. Here is a surviving part of that series: Uncle Bertie's message to the children.
Famed Kitten Huffers
Although the mass popularity of kitten huffing guarantees that you know at least X people that huff, some of history's greats were rumored to have superior huffing abilities and artistry. People like:
The first ever documented kitten huffer.
The first ever documented kitten huffer. This guy
* This guy
* Oscar Wilde
* Mark Twain
The world's first Kitten Huffer, seen here post-huff, with another defenseless kitten at the ready. Notice the bugged out eyes. Yeah, that's right. He's feelin' that shit!________________________________________
"I realize the filming is garbage, but we were 2 guys filming our buddy fuck a milf, trying not to get caught." -skiinsted
