Replying to Stealth: The heart-warming tale of a talking robot plane.

Movie: Stealth

Cast: Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, White Male Pilot, Talking Robot Plane (also goes by the name Eddie or TinMan).

Summary: In the next step in the war on terrorism, the military has developed a Robot Talking Plane. The team sets out to stop some terrorists from blowing up America or something. Using an anti-terrorist implosion bomb, the bad guys are killed and everyone heads back to base. At this point, there’s a freak lightning storm and robot talking plane is struck. As you probably already know, lightning is the most mystical phenomenon in modern cinema. Its properties are wild and not understood but it does seem to follow two simple rules. Firstly, any cars hit by lightning will be sent back in time. Secondly, any robots hit by lightning will become sentient (please refer to short circuit). Adhering to the laws of physics, when robot talking plane is struck by lightning he is given the ability to think and reason. SCIENCE!

The team hooks off and goes to Thailand (No logical reason is given). This is the best part of the movie. Jessica Biel hops into a bikini and Jamie Foxx hooks up with a Thai lady-boy prostitute. Funs over! Everyone head to Russia! During a fight with some of the worst terrorists ever (these guys were fucking using donkeys to haul their SCUDS), the robot starts acting a bit moody and blows some shit up he shouldn’t have. Jamie Foxx is obviously distraught by this and flies right into a mountain (whoopsie daisy!). No wonder they are replacing these guys with talking robot planes. Biel’s plane starts malfunction, the wings fall off and it self destructs and she lands in North Korea.

This is probably a good time to bring up Robot Talking Plane’s musical tastes. He downloads every mp3 on the internet ever. Using his quantum computing unit, he quickly discerns that Incubus is the best music ever recorded and refuses to play anything else during bombing runs. I believe the scene went like this:
Robot:
Plays music.
Nerd:
He downloaded music off the internet?
Other guy:
Oh yeah, which ones?
Nerd:
(Eyes get wide) All of them!
Other guy:
He's going to get in trouble with the record companies!
Robot:
You're no Jesus


So anyway, Biel is up in evil commie country and White Male Pilot is chasing Talking Robot Plane for blowing shit up he shouldn’t have. White Male Pilot tells Talking Robot Plane not to keep blowing random shit up and they’re both cool with that so they head to Alaska again for no apparent reason. White Male Pilot lands for repairs somewhere and the plane designer shows up. The plane designer is supposed to wipe Talking Robot Plane’s memory, but they have a heart-to-heart instead. The robot apologizes and everyone’s cool, except Jessica Biel. She’s getting shot at by communists. White Male Pilot hops into Talking Robot Plane and they fly off to save the day as new best friends. There was a fucking awesome explosion at this point if I recall.

Hot shit! Jessica Biel gets shot, but she’s hot and can take it. The boys show up and use the last two missiles to kick some serious ass. They land to grab Jessica, White Male Pilot hops out but. Just then, a helicopter comes of now where. There’s no time to get back in the plane. But don’t worry, Talking Robot Plane needs no pilot and starts shooting at the helicopter. He decides that’s not working, runs out of bullets or some other asinine shit and just flies right into that motherfucker. Jessica Biel and White Male Pilot make out. The End.

Yes, the trailer is completely misleading. No, I did not make any of this up. Yes, you were right, this movie did look like shit. No, I did not actually pay to see this cinematic wonder.

___________________________________
Some people are trying to snowboard here!
Oh I get it. Sorry to ruin your day.