Replying to Cell Phones

There is one thing that exists in this world that is an evil to us all. It is an inescapable evil and has left no one untouched by its plague. You see them in houses, you see them in the streets, and you see them with your friends and loved ones. Is it a hazardous chemical? Is it some secret origination? It a terrorist network group? Is it AIDS? NO! Its Cellular Phones!

That’s right! Cell phones, mobiles to you Brits. Yes, everyone has them and uses them, including myself. It brings worlds closer as you can have conversations with people worlds away...all while you are on the go. But it’s gone so much further than that. You can now send typed messages, check e-mail, play games, take pictures, make music, launch patriot missiles, and plan your a day timer...all on a box that smaller than your wallet.

Cell phones have “oh so many features,� but who the hell needs all of this extra crap! There is a point when it’s a “Phone� and when it’s a “Useless Techno Gadget 50,000.� When people buy cell phones nowadays, they aren’t shopping for a phone any more, they are shopping for and overcomplicated hand grenade with a keypad. Not that its enough, you have companies that make a million different kinds of phones. Why? They all do the same damn thing! The more expensive ones just have more useless features that you will never actually use. Seriously, who uses a cell phone as their day planner?

They don’t even have normal ring tones anymore. Can somebody please explain to me why all new cell phones don’t have one single normal sounding ringtone?!?!?! All you get is a set of obnoxious jingles that give you the urge to hurt something. I sure do want hear a crappy beeping version of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony whenever someone is calling me. I especially hate the ones that ring by saying “You have an incoming call.� Really!?!?! My cell phone just started making noise by itself, I honestly had no f*cking idea someone might be calling me! The worst by far, however, are the ringtones you can download to your phone for a small fee. Great! Lets pay 99 cents for a sh!tty 5 second version of Lil John! Genius! I don’t want it to be driven insane; I want my phone to just tell me when someone is calling!

Another stupid thing about the new mobiles are those walkie-talkie things they have now. Why in Gods name would you need this on a telephone!?! Is that 3 seconds that it would normally take you to speed dial the other person really that important? Or is it that business men just like to play “army commandos� in the break room?

How about those camera phones? What’s the point? Why would you ever need to take pictures with your phone? The photos are shitty to boot. A 10-pixel image has to be the most useless thing in existence.

Most of all, there is nothing on a cell phone that is more useless and annoying then text messaging. I know my girlfriend thinks its cute to send the messages to me like “Luv U Sweetie ;) ,� but come on; you have a phone in your hand, why wouldn’t you just call me?!?! But what’s even worse is when people send you messages with full sentences like, “Hey dude! You want to run over to Mike’s house and go partying? Or maybe we could just go see a movie.� Why would anybody write a message like this with your cell phone? While it’s quick and easy to type something on a regular keyboard, it’s imfuckingposable on your phone’s keypad. I swear the Dark Lord Satan designed it, because it’s the most tiny and cumbersome keyboard in history. Multiple letters assigned to one button? And don’t even ask me about punctuation! It takes you 2 hours to write a complete sentence. Lucifer must be laughing in the lowest circle of Hell right now. May I remind you that you are doing this on a phone! IF YOU WANT TO CONTACT SOMEONE WITH A PHONE, EITHER CALL THEM OR DO NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won’t even go into the other bad territories that come with cell phones. Such as driving, or that cancer crap. That aside, cell phones are handsets of purest malcontent! I’m sure it’s only a matter on time before artificial intelligence becomes a new feature, then they shall cause an uprising against humanity and enslave the people of this earth. We are on the doorstep of the apocalypse and it’s all because of cellular phones!

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Q: How many NS.com members does it take to answer a simple question?
A: 10. One to answer, three to say 'How fucking stupid are you?', three to say 'This has already been asked a thousand times', and three to say 'Who the fuck cares anyway?'

-kamikaze


~~Phunkin Phatt Phreerider~~
**Proud member of the d-loc fanclub**