Call/text 988 to get professional help.

ASSholebomber22Call/text 988 to get professional help.

Please do. We don't want to lose you, buddy.

There are a ton of people in this community who you can dm, me included. You can call 988, or text start to 741741

Reaching out is an amazing first step. Personally it helps me to talk in person, which I think is what you are saying. I dont live near ut, but If you dont have anyone near you to reach out to, text a sibling, or a cousin.

giving advice for depression is really difficult. Its an extremely hard hole to climb out of. Im so glad you are reaching out, that is super important. Try to help yourself, dont be too hard on yourself. Its okay to feel lonely, it doesnt mean you are or will always be alone.

Hang in there dude. Hopefully you can find some Utah peeps on here to chill with, get out for something. Even a small hike to meet a few people. I know in your other thread you were saying you didn't really know anyone.

You got any summer stuff going on? Skating, mtn bike or anything? Doesn't really matter what it is but can take the edge off the transition to summer and not skiing. Also skateparks are a pretty good place to meet people. Lots of people keep going back to the same park or two because its close. If you meet some people to skate with you'll run into them.

Idk depression sucks dude. I hope you feel better. Hang on. Call to talk to someone if you need for sure. There's people who csre about you whether or not it feels like it at times. Wish you the best man!

I can at least say I thought that depression was fake maybe 2 years ago, now that I have gone through it when I went on accutane, I will say it fucking sucks. I also had the same problem as you, after my cross country season was over I missed out on seeing a lot of my best friends from other schools. Believe it or not I'm not a fucking idiot in real life I'm just a simple quiet kid that does his homework and goes to work after school. I never really thought about suicide but there were some points where I "hurt myself", and some of my friends thought I had abusive parents. After this I felt Iike a complete idiot and, people do care for you, it's just hard to know who and I'm lucky to have had like 2 or 3 really good friends through that time.

Also I will say I never really talked about it, some of my friends said I was a fake ass emo kid, others just knew I was going through a shitty time.

I have so many more thoughts and regrets on this situation that i would talk about privately

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 1:09:27am

Hi guys, thanks for being understanding and supportive. I've previously been very reserved about this but the reason I feel this way is that I dont feel that I will go away. Throughout my life I have been described as "really smart and creative." People think this is a compliment, I find it to be dismissive. Who cares if Im smart? Doesnt mean im actualy a worthwhile human. Anyways, when I was in kindergarten I was said to have a mild social/emotional developmental delay. It did improve a bit but progress slowed. I think people feel as though I am being rude, but its not anything intentional. After over two decades of intense, mind numbing social issues I just cant be here anymore. Nobody knows me, nobody would be affected.

I was on accutane as a kid. Had the monthly blood tests, depression pamphlets, etc.

Did you know that accutane is literally a chemotherapy drug?

NewsheepersI can at least say I thought that depression was fake maybe 2 years ago, now that I have gone through it when I went on accutane, I will say it fucking sucks.

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 1:09:27am

Also, op - utah can be tough to make friends in if you’re not in school or a member of the church. I lived there briefly. Keep your head high.

how did you end up in UT?

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 9:57:08am

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 9:57:37am

BradFiAusNzCoCaI was on accutane as a kid. Had the monthly blood tests, depression pamphlets, etc.

Did you know that accutane is literally a chemotherapy drug?

yeah I know, I did a ton of research before hand because all of the other things like benzol peroxide and tretinoin didn't work, I can't imagine where I'd be now if it didn't work though

NewsheepersI can at least say I thought that depression was fake maybe 2 years ago, now that I have gone through it when I went on accutane, I will say it fucking sucks. I also had the same problem as you, after my cross country season was over I missed out on seeing a lot of my best friends from other schools. Believe it or not I'm not a fucking idiot in real life I'm just a simple quiet kid that does his homework and goes to work after school. I never really thought about suicide but there were some points where I "hurt myself", and some of my friends thought I had abusive parents. After this I felt Iike a complete idiot and, people do care for you, it's just hard to know who and I'm lucky to have had like 2 or 3 really good friends through that time.

Also I will say I never really talked about it, some of my friends said I was a fake ass emo kid, others just knew I was going through a shitty time.

I have so many more thoughts and regrets on this situation that i would talk about privately

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 1:09:27am

accutane causing depression is a myth dumbass.

BradFiAusNzCoCaI was on accutane as a kid. Had the monthly blood tests, depression pamphlets, etc.

Did you know that accutane is literally a chemotherapy drug?

Also, op - utah can be tough to make friends in if you’re not in school or a member of the church. I lived there briefly. Keep your head high.

how did you end up in UT?

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 9:57:08am

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 9:57:37am

just started accutane and so happy its not a montly blood test anymore

tutipupsaccutane causing depression is a myth dumbass.

first of all it's not, so don't call me a dumbass, also if it makes your acne worse obviously it's gonna make you feel worse about yourself. it really depends on who you are and its like a 10-20% chance it causes depression

NewsheepersI can at least say I thought that depression was fake maybe 2 years ago, now that I have gone through it when I went on accutane, I will say it fucking sucks. I also had the same problem as you, after my cross country season was over I missed out on seeing a lot of my best friends from other schools. Believe it or not I'm not a fucking idiot in real life I'm just a simple quiet kid that does his homework and goes to work after school. I never really thought about suicide but there were some points where I "hurt myself", and some of my friends thought I had abusive parents. After this I felt Iike a complete idiot and, people do care for you, it's just hard to know who and I'm lucky to have had like 2 or 3 really good friends through that time.

Also I will say I never really talked about it, some of my friends said I was a fake ass emo kid, others just knew I was going through a shitty time.

I have so many more thoughts and regrets on this situation that i would talk about privately

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 1:09:27am

Not sure why people are downvoting you. Maybe the troll history. Either way happy to have you but be nicer to people.

tutipupsaccutane causing depression is a myth dumbass.

Definitely does dumbass.

Kudos on the post. Opening up like that is hard and means you still do care. Really don't think that there's no hope. People still care about you, even randoms on this site. People would be affected from family to first responders. Suicide is not the answer, ever.

I see your profile says ur in college. That's arguably one of the most mentally challenging fucked up periods of people's lives as they leave the nest (metaphorically) and attempt to discover themselves. Purpose in life is one of the most difficult things to find but you will find it. I'd encourage you to reach out to your school or city's resources. Stay away from drugs (except mushrooms) and alcohol too as that shit just makes everything that much worse. Try to exercise and don't get enveloped in social media. Making friends is challenging but my advice to that would be to find things you like to do, then do them, and you'll find people who gel with you. No matter how socially awkward one is, friends can always be made. NS is a great start to connect with people irl.

utahnewbHi guys, thanks for being understanding and supportive. I've previously been very reserved about this but the reason I feel this way is that I dont feel that I will go away. Throughout my life I have been described as "really smart and creative." People think this is a compliment, I find it to be dismissive. Who cares if Im smart? Doesnt mean im actualy a worthwhile human. Anyways, when I was in kindergarten I was said to have a mild social/emotional developmental delay. It did improve a bit but progress slowed. I think people feel as though I am being rude, but its not anything intentional. After over two decades of intense, mind numbing social issues I just cant be here anymore. Nobody knows me, nobody would be affected.

Everything can change really fast, you would be surprised. You have no idea what the future could hold and it will probably not be what you expected.

Newsheepersfirst of all it's not, so don't call me a dumbass, also if it makes your acne worse obviously it's gonna make you feel worse about yourself. it really depends on who you are and its like a 10-20% chance it causes depression

sorry for that but its been shown that the only reason it supposedly causes depression is because its used on teenagers who are more likely to be depressed. can show sources if you want

utahnewbHi guys, thanks for being understanding and supportive. I've previously been very reserved about this but the reason I feel this way is that I dont feel that I will go away. Throughout my life I have been described as "really smart and creative." People think this is a compliment, I find it to be dismissive. Who cares if Im smart? Doesnt mean im actualy a worthwhile human. Anyways, when I was in kindergarten I was said to have a mild social/emotional developmental delay. It did improve a bit but progress slowed. I think people feel as though I am being rude, but its not anything intentional. After over two decades of intense, mind numbing social issues I just cant be here anymore. Nobody knows me, nobody would be affected.

Man brother this hurt to read. Please, please know you are worthwhile. And please realize that although you may not be able to see it right now, people would be affected if you weren't here. I absolutely promise you the scars left would affect people around you for the rest of their lives.

I think that right now, today, you have got to reach out to someone, even a stranger like me, because what you are saying sounds like real red flag territory. I don't think keeping it to yourself is going to work right now, you need a little help, just like a lot of people sometimes do. Please use one of the resources listed in this thread or DM me or someone. It might fell like a hurdle or awkward but please just push yourself to do it.

bustedpivotMan brother this hurt to read. Please, please know you are worthwhile. And please realize that although you may not be able to see it right now, people would be affected if you weren't here. I absolutely promise you the scars left would affect people around you for the rest of their lives.

I think that right now, today, you have got to reach out to someone, even a stranger like me, because what you are saying sounds like real red flag territory. I don't think keeping it to yourself is going to work right now, you need a little help, just like a lot of people sometimes do. Please use one of the resources listed in this thread or DM me or someone. It might fell like a hurdle or awkward but please just push yourself to do it.

Havent been on here for a bit but its super nice that you mentioned this. This will sound ignorant, but besides my parents, its no joke that not a soul would care. I dont even have siblings which isnt actually so cool beyond childhood and I think it had something to do with my social issues. Im on some meds atm and i have always stayed out of drugs and alcohol. This is probably the fifth time ive felt this way over the years. Professionals struggle to decide what is up with me which adds to stuff. I was assessed for being on the spectrum, and was told that I show some signs of it but dont meet the criteria fully. What we do know is that I have clinical depression on paper and also something called avoidant personality disorder, basically this is like social anxiety on steroids. It always feels like im so close to people, but so distant. I do my best to be super laid back and open but sometimes the hate I get is unreal becasue im not as capable as everyone else is socially.

utahnewbHavent been on here for a bit but its super nice that you mentioned this. This will sound ignorant, but besides my parents, its no joke that not a soul would care. I dont even have siblings which isnt actually so cool beyond childhood and I think it had something to do with my social issues. Im on some meds atm and i have always stayed out of drugs and alcohol. This is probably the fifth time ive felt this way over the years. Professionals struggle to decide what is up with me which adds to stuff. I was assessed for being on the spectrum, and was told that I show some signs of it but dont meet the criteria fully. What we do know is that I have clinical depression on paper and also something called avoidant personality disorder, basically this is like social anxiety on steroids. It always feels like im so close to people, but so distant. I do my best to be super laid back and open but sometimes the hate I get is unreal becasue im not as capable as everyone else is socially.

It might not sound like much, but everyone in this thread does care. Hit up a line, maybe the person on the other end will have something different in terms of advice you haven’t been able to get before. You don’t know unless you try, and we’re all in your corner. Do you have anything you like to do in the summer? In my area at least, I’ve found it way easier to meet people biking than skiing. I’m not a social person at all, but it’s nice to have random acquaintances to take some laps with now and then depending where I’m riding. No idea if mtb is a possibility for you but if it is, you should try it. My DMs are open if you wanna talk, be it about bikes or anything else.

CalculatorIt might not sound like much, but everyone in this thread does care. Hit up a line, maybe the person on the other end will have something different in terms of advice you haven’t been able to get before. You don’t know unless you try, and we’re all in your corner. Do you have anything you like to do in the summer? In my area at least, I’ve found it way easier to meet people biking than skiing. I’m not a social person at all, but it’s nice to have random acquaintances to take some laps with now and then depending where I’m riding. No idea if mtb is a possibility for you but if it is, you should try it. My DMs are open if you wanna talk, be it about bikes or anything else.

This is coming from a good place, but I definitely question the effect on others. I know point blank that at least at school nobody would be affected because I never meant anything to them in the first place. I’ve also found that if I open up, everyone else shuts down. I deal with ghosting constantly and I question if it’s worth trying to have a sense of community anymore. I definitely have been trying to get into things like Mtb but I find that I’m just not welcomed. I just don’t know, i just don’t feel worthwhile.

I feel that, sometimes i have an irrational hate for the people who are always walking by my house or who try to interact with sometimes. We all need our space but some need it more than others. But you cant be too upset if others arent to outwardly either. ,

utahnewband also something called avoidant personality disorder, basically this is like social anxiety on steroids. It always feels like im so close to people, but so distant. I do my best to be super laid back and open but sometimes the hate I get is unreal becasue im not as capable as everyone else is socially.

utahnewbThis is coming from a good place, but I definitely question the effect on others. I know point blank that at least at school nobody would be affected because I never meant anything to them in the first place. I’ve also found that if I open up, everyone else shuts down. I deal with ghosting constantly and I question if it’s worth trying to have a sense of community anymore. I definitely have been trying to get into things like Mtb but I find that I’m just not welcomed. I just don’t know, i just don’t feel worthwhile.

Having people shut down when they are opened up to is pretty common. And its on them, its not the fault of the person opening up. You said earlier that you showed symptoms or signs of being on the spectrum, but didnt quite fit the criteria. The stuff you are experiences definitely matches up with my and almost all other neurodivergent peoples experience. Not being immediatley accepted or feeling like people dont want you there is an awful feeling, but it is not your fault.

idk man im worried about you. You are worthwhile, and its okay that you dont feel welcomed, because there are people out there who will accept you. I know that isnt helpful, because it does not really help what you are feeling now, but none of this is on you.

utahnewbThis is coming from a good place, but I definitely question the effect on others. I know point blank that at least at school nobody would be affected because I never meant anything to them in the first place. I’ve also found that if I open up, everyone else shuts down. I deal with ghosting constantly and I question if it’s worth trying to have a sense of community anymore. I definitely have been trying to get into things like Mtb but I find that I’m just not welcomed. I just don’t know, i just don’t feel worthwhile.

Fuck those people then man. At that point it’s on them, not you. If you are looking at them to see your own reflection, nothing goods gonna come out of it. It’s a hard shift to make, but really consider the idea of finding purpose and validation in yourself, not from others. Trust me, once you begin that path you’ll be pretty amazed at how good you can feel. Hang in there brother

my only advice is to take some cash to Wendover and just sit at a blackjack table and start playing. u can meet some cool fuckers on the tables and also have ab cha ce at making serious cash

Hey all, just an update. I am still experiencing issues with the topic of this thread. As we head into winter I was wondering if anyone had something to add

For me, if I don’t do the following three things I can get into a dark place. They’re worth trying.

1. Exercise. For me this means running, lifting, or yoga. Skiing/skating/surfing or other fun things don’t have the same positive effect on my mental health. I think there is enormous emotional benefit to doing something that is challenging — like running longer than you want to.

2. Meditating (or whatever you want to call it). Really relaxing (not just like chillin watching tv, but fully allowing your nervous system to calm down) can really help with handling emotions. For me, I try to just watch my breath while I’m lying on the floor or on my bed and “let go” of any negative emotions I’m having.

3. Interact with other people: for me sometimes it’s enough to just go get a sandwich and genuinely be nice to the employees. Pretty much everyone deals with assholes all the time, so even if you interact with someone and your experience with them is just neutral, you will be spreading good energy into the world.

3.1. find something you can do that other people will appreciate. Something that society just needs to get done. Volunteer, pick up trash at a park, go rake an elderly persons lawn.

utahnewbHey all, just an update. I am still experiencing issues with the topic of this thread. As we head into winter I was wondering if anyone had something to add

utahnewbHey all, just an update. I am still experiencing issues with the topic of this thread. As we head into winter I was wondering if anyone had something to add

There's a group "We're all Mental" that Laura runs every week. Just started twice a week. Snowboarders and some ski industry folk.worth checking out. Also an insta page and discord.

Just an option to check out

utahnewbHey all, just an update. I am still experiencing issues with the topic of this thread. As we head into winter I was wondering if anyone had something to add

Was the end of ski season a trigger for stronger depressive symptoms? Did you try any activities that may be similar in intensity or scenery to skiing to see if they helped alleviate some of those feelings?

I was about to provide some super helpful advice and then I realized the title of your thread is VERY misleading.

I'm truly sorry to hear about what you're going through. For whatever it's worth, you can dm me on here or on instagram (nick.thucydides) if you ever want to talk, whether it's about how you're feeling or if you just want to shoot the shit about skiing or anything else. You're not alone in this, and everyone here in this thread is rooting for you. I wish I had better advice to give but I think there's some solid advice in this thread.

Christian_BaleI'm truly sorry to hear about what you're going through. For whatever it's worth, you can dm me on here or on instagram (nick.thucydides) if you ever want to talk, whether it's about how you're feeling or if you just want to shoot the shit about skiing or anything else. You're not alone in this, and everyone here in this thread is rooting for you. I wish I had better advice to give but I think there's some solid advice in this thread.

Thanks man, appreciate the sentiment. I’ve tried to get into MTB over summer but as much as I like it I don’t feel I can hit it off/feel welcome in it especially as someone who isn’t “pro” by now

I live in slc! Down to go shoot some pool at a bar and set up sine rails this fall!

utahnewbTitle. Live in UT and since ski season ended my levels of depression has me in a box. NS is the only social interaction I’ve got. I’ve never had friends.

I live in Sandy! Shoot me a message if you wanna go grab some food or do really anything doors! You ain’t gotta go through all the hard shit that life deals alone. Shoot me a message

ThrillbillytomI live in Sandy! Shoot me a message if you wanna go grab some food or do really anything doors! You ain’t gotta go through all the hard shit that life deals alone. Shoot me a message

Also me and @BigPurpleSkiSuit ski most days at the bird so I’d you ever want riding buddies let me know!

Second this for sure Man, depression is no joke

ThrillbillytomAlso me and @BigPurpleSkiSuit[/tag] ski most days at the bird so I’d you ever want riding buddies let me know!

Honestly, short term medication, therapy, and a semi-fluid routine. I very much so was in the camp that didn’t care if it hurt people if I died, I just had to hate that version of myself enough to force myself thru it. I got a psych, I went to therapy, I went trail running and skiing even if I hated every second of it. Moving my body and caring for my animals made me stay alive. After a year of that one day I woke up and realized I no longer hated myself— even if my job sucked, and I still wasn't doing great. So I moved. And that fixed the little bit that was left. I also reduced my drinking and weed smoking significantly as well, I think removing depressants and substances helped lift the depression.

I'm proud of you for working thru this and making it this far. Keep at surviving.

utahnewbThanks man, appreciate the sentiment. I’ve tried to get into MTB over summer but as much as I like it I don’t feel I can hit it off/feel welcome in it especially as someone who isn’t “pro” by now

That's totally valid, I can feel that way sometimes too, whether it's on the hill or at some social gathering where I feel like people don't want to talk to me. I do believe a lot that stuff can be in your head sometimes. Can't speak to mtb but in skiing, sometimes it can be intimidating to talk to people, but the vast majority of people I encounter will actually be nice to you. Of course you'll encounter shitty people but that's just how it goes. Most people don't actually care about ability or other stuff. If you ask someone advice for something, for example, they'll probably be happy to give it.

Christian_BaleThat's totally valid, I can feel that way sometimes too, whether it's on the hill or at some social gathering where I feel like people don't want to talk to me. I do believe a lot that stuff can be in your head sometimes. Can't speak to mtb but in skiing, sometimes it can be intimidating to talk to people, but the vast majority of people I encounter will actually be nice to you. Of course you'll encounter shitty people but that's just how it goes. Most people don't actually care about ability or other stuff. If you ask someone advice for something, for example, they'll probably be happy to give it.

Ah yes the elephant in the room lol. I can totally relate to and understand the frustration there. Brings up a point though; its not necessarily that I dont have friends, its that ironically I feel more alone around them sometimes. With group stuff, I can handle like up to 4 ppl. beyond that it can be awkward. Working in this industry, I have seen that theres a lot of stuff about image in things like mtb and skiing. It feels like as much as I love the sports, they don't really appeal to people like me that much. I really value closeness over having lots of people. The most frustrating bit is that with athletic stuff I am very people driven, I just dont enjoy it alone and it can make feeling alone worse at times.

ModMommyHonestly, short term medication, therapy, and a semi-fluid routine. I very much so was in the camp that didn’t care if it hurt people if I died, I just had to hate that version of myself enough to force myself thru it. I got a psych, I went to therapy, I went trail running and skiing even if I hated every second of it. Moving my body and caring for my animals made me stay alive. After a year of that one day I woke up and realized I no longer hated myself— even if my job sucked, and I still wasn't doing great. So I moved. And that fixed the little bit that was left. I also reduced my drinking and weed smoking significantly as well, I think removing depressants and substances helped lift the depression.

I'm proud of you for working thru this and making it this far. Keep at surviving.

So I would say this is good advice in general. I have tried more than my fair share of medications and therapists. It doesn’t really fix anything in my case because the root issue still stands. Staying away from drugs helped for sure. It’s also kind of hard to care about if it affects anyone when you know nobody. Having ADHD and a few other diagnoses makes organizing stuff by myself hard but social stuff is tricky too

utahnewbhave tried more than my fair share of medications and therapists. It doesn’t really fix anything in my case because the root issue still stands.

Maybe a change of perception is in order? People are gonna downvote this but serious statement, have you ever tried psilocybin containing mushrooms in a safe, controlled environment? There's a growing body of knowledge supporting its application in treatment resistant depression and suicidality. Full disclosure there's periodic case reports of self-harm during the trip, and that's why I said "safe environment". It really can change your perspective on life.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4721603/

Also you mentioned you have many health conditions. You're not on Singulair (montelukast) right? Only ask because suicidal ideation and attempts are associated with that med. That's reaching I know but also a pretty common drug for allergies and asthma.

Golden_JoeMaybe a change of perception is in order? People are gonna downvote this but serious statement, have you ever tried psilocybin containing mushrooms in a safe, controlled environment? There's a growing body of knowledge supporting its application in treatment resistant depression and suicidality. Full disclosure there's periodic case reports of self-harm during the trip, and that's why I said "safe environment". It really can change your perspective on life.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4721603/

Also you mentioned you have many health conditions. You're not on Singulair (montelukast) right? Only ask because suicidal ideation and attempts are associated with that med. That's reaching I know but also a pretty common drug for allergies and asthma.

First off, not sure why you’d be downvoted. I personally haven’t tried that but so far Zoloft helps a bit. It actually makes social stuff somewhat easier too. I haven’t heard about shrooms but I have read stuff that CBD could help. I’m not sure how I’d even go about trying these out because it’s not legal in Utah. I do have a few psychological things (ADHD, likely on the spectrum too) but just Zoloft and adderall for meds. I would basically try anything at this point, but will it really solve the main issue - social differences/isolation?

off topic question is should I disclose to ppl in person that I have ADHD and whatnot and can affect me socially?

also thanks for being here, idk you but it does mean something

utahnewbFirst off, not sure why you’d be downvoted. I personally haven’t tried that but so far Zoloft helps a bit. It actually makes social stuff somewhat easier too. I haven’t heard about shrooms but I have read stuff that CBD could help. I’m not sure how I’d even go about trying these out because it’s not legal in Utah. I do have a few psychological things (ADHD, likely on the spectrum too) but just Zoloft and adderall for meds. I would basically try anything at this point, but will it really solve the main issue - social differences/isolation?

off topic question is should I disclose to ppl in person that I have ADHD and whatnot and can affect me socially?

also thanks for being here, idk you but it does mean something

Tons of people have adhd so definitely no stigma there. My one buddy has it so bad that it's almost a joke now when he is not taking adderall; dude won't calm the f down lol.

It really depends. I've found that traditional antidepressants like ssris (zoloft) feel like living in a fog and not giving a shit. Mushrooms have all sorts of different impacts and the success of a trip largely depends on the dose and setting. Personal experience, it's given me a ton of perspective on things in life that we put too much weight on. As for social situations, after the fact...maybe? A change in perspective can make it easier to exist in various setting because you realize your reservations and fears are actually bullshit and in your head. It's not a golden nugget for everyone, so might help, might not. But yeah psychedelics can be hard to find. Stoner skiers and potheads you meet are good places to start. Spores are legal to ship to most states and helps remove any anxiety about not knowing what your getting. Glad to hear the zoloft is working at least somewhat. If you do decide to take CBD just be careful about where you source it from. A good amount are mislabeled either in the potency or mislabeled and contain thc too. Of the cannabis compounds, cbd has the most drug interactions based on the enzymes it inhibits. Really the only condition with quality evidence and cbd is seizures. The rest is not proven at this point.

Also the big rage these days are ketamine clinics. I don't know much about it other than it is effective in treatment resistant depression. Something to look into. Again might not be for everyone.

Golden_JoeAlso the big rage these days are ketamine clinics. I don't know much about it other than it is effective in treatment resistant depression. Something to look into. Again might not be for everyone.

I actually did it for treatment resistant depression. Did wonders.

Golden_JoeMaybe a change of perception is in order? People are gonna downvote this but serious statement, have you ever tried psilocybin containing mushrooms in a safe, controlled environment? There's a growing body of knowledge supporting its application in treatment resistant depression and suicidality. Full disclosure there's periodic case reports of self-harm during the trip, and that's why I said "safe environment". It really can change your perspective on life.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4721603/

Also you mentioned you have many health conditions. You're not on Singulair (montelukast) right? Only ask because suicidal ideation and attempts are associated with that med. That's reaching I know but also a pretty common drug for allergies and asthma.

Microdosing psilocybin changed my life. Once you build up the initial tolerance you don't really feel anything, it just makes me feel happy.