Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and they newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter then the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasion it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc, Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money". I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
If anybody here would like to contribute their most prized M&M to a cause for the greater good of the candy and snack-food world, then please inquire within this post so that together we can provide a world that strives on survival.
There can be only one
