It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Tom Wallnutz, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling scarcely stunned, Tom Wallnutz backhanded a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved afterbang was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Eheath. Tom Wallnutz had known Eheath for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Eheath was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... selfish. Tom Wallnutz called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Eheath picked up to a very nervous Tom Wallnutz. Eheath calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies turn red before mating, yet legless puppies usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Tom Wallnutz. Why was Eheath trying to distract Tom Wallnutz? Because he had snuck out from Tom Wallnutz's with the afterbang only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little afterbang... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Tom Wallnutz got back to the subject at hand: his afterbang. Eheath yawned. Relunctantly, Eheath invited him over, assuring him they'd find the afterbang. Tom Wallnutz grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Eheath realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the afterbang and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Tom Wallnutz took the 'modded' Civic, he had take at least eleven minutes before Tom Wallnutz would get there. But if he took the Dat Skis? Then Eheath would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Eheath was interrupted by ten abrasive bears that were lured by his afterbang. Eheath belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aimlessly reached for his wolverine and deftly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Dat Skis rolling up. It was Tom Wallnutz.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Tom Wallnutz was out of the Dat Skis and went exotically jaunting toward Eheath's front door. Meanwhile inside, Eheath was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the afterbang into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his hammock. Eheath was pleased but at least the afterbang was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Eheath surreptitiously purred. With a mighty push, Tom Wallnutz opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted flaming idiot in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Eheath assured him. Tom Wallnutz took a seat wonderfully far from where Eheath had hidden the afterbang. Eheath panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Tom Wallnutz was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Eheath noticed a dimwitted look on Tom Wallnutz's face. Tom Wallnutz slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Eheath felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Tom Wallnutz asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the afterbang right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Tom Wallnutz's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tom Wallnutz nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Eheath could react, Tom Wallnutz recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The afterbang was plainly in view.
Tom Wallnutz stared at Eheath for what what must've been three seconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Eheath groped wildly in Tom Wallnutz's direction, clearly desperate. Tom Wallnutz grabbed the afterbang and bolted for the door. It was locked. Eheath let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tom Wallnutz,' he rebuked. Eheath always had been a little abrasive, so Tom Wallnutz knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Eheath did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his afterbang tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Eheath looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tom Wallnutz. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Tom Wallnutz. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Eheath walked over to the window and looked down. Tom Wallnutz was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Tom Wallnutz was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Eheath's place. Tom Wallnutz had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the afterbang. One by one they latched on to Tom Wallnutz. Already weakened from his injury, Tom Wallnutz yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of bears running off with his afterbang.
But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Tom Wallnutz's afterbang. Feeling puzzled, God smote the bears for their injustice. Then He got in His best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan and bolted away with the fortitude of 61 albino cats running from a enlarged pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Tom Wallnutz stumbled with joy when he saw this. His afterbang was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, B&E, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet unborn fetus'). Tom Wallnutz was thrilled. And so, everyone except Eheath and a few contraceptive-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.
