. Being a Man 101 Ten steps on how to be masculine based on the ideologies presented in the short story “The Glass Roses” by Alden Nowlan.
In today’s society individuals are given certain stereotypes and are expected to fit into and play certain roles based on their genders. People who break these barriers that society infringes upon them are often mocked by the community. However to ensure that you as a man are not mocked by your peers, that your role in society is filled and that the stereotype you are given is achieved to the fullest we have given you ten simple guidelines. With the completion of these simple steps your manliness will be secured for eternity so long as you remain loyal to the guidelines. We wish you the greatest success and good luck.
Step I: Strength is Required
Men are to be burly, hunky, built, hulking, muscular, and just down right strong. Any one man who is anything otherwise is not truly a man at all but in-fact some breed of wimpy, non ox-like, semi-man. So purchase a gym pass, hire yourself a personal trainer, get on those weights and do whatever it takes. Even if you have to work yourself into aching exhaustion, it must be done if you wish to start calling yourself a true man anytime soon.
The Glass Roses, Page 1: “Enviously he studied their faintly humped backs and ox-like shoulders. He thought despairingly of his own willowy fifteen-year old body. The more he observed the easy strength of these men, the oftener he worked himself into aching exhaustion at the end of a pulpsaw, the more certain he was that he could never become a man.”
Step II: No Daydreaming
True men remain clear headed and unconditionally focused on the task at hand what ever it may be. There is no time for unnecessary story telling or socializing of any sort, no tales of far away places. All childish thoughts and daydreams must be set aside now that you are on your way to becoming a true man. No fooling around will be tolerated.
The Glass Roses, Page 1: “His fascination with tales of far away places had attracted him to the Polack. But he felt that his interest in such stories was childish: an aspect of the boyish daydreaming that he was expected to scorn now that he was becoming a man.”
Step III: Distasteful Endeavours
As a true man you are required to execute expertly mannish gestures that wimps, cowards and other forms of half-men, as well as women may find appealing. So, sniffle, snort and spit, burp, fart and grunt, don’t forget to slurp your soup. Make sure to scratch your family jewels whenever they may itch, liberate number one at your convenience even if all you can find is a tree, and leave the toilet seat up. The rule of thumb is, that if it’s vulgar and vile it must be done to secure your manliness.
The Glass Roses, Page 2: “One by one they went outdoors to urinate. Each time the door opened, Stephen’s flesh goose-pimpled in the clutch of the cold. His father and the other men grunted and spat on the stove, then pulled off their boots and pants and climbed into their bunks.”
Step IV: Skilful with Tools
A non-handyman is no man at all. Men must be capable of skilfully using basic hand-tools such as saws, axes, hammers and drills as well as operating the more complex. As a true man you are required to be hands on, you should be able to use a hammer as though it grew out of your own arm. You must be capable and possess the common sense to perform tasks such as fixing leaky faucets, silencing squeaky doors or floor boards, and on occasion even taking apart a dishwasher to find a lost earring, why she didn’t just wash it by hand is beyond us both.
The Glass Roses, Page 2: “When his father worked an axe, it was as though the blade grew out of his arm.”
Step V: No Apologies
Men in today’s society who wish to call themselves true men must refrain from apologizing at anytime at all costs. In an argument, even if you realize that you are in the wrong, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how angry you make someone, you must not apologize. Apologizing is a sign of weakness and true men must never display any signs of weakness, for masculinity is measured in strength, physical and mental.
The Glass Roses, Page 3: “”I’m sorry I made you angry,” the Polack said. Stephen blinked and looked away. In his world men did not tender apologies.”
Step VI: No Time Wasting
As a true man you are expected to stay on task at all times. Everything you do is required to be relevant and be done with meaning, purpose and seriousness. Even during recreational activities with no other purpose other than amusement you must strive to achieve competitively. Games among men are never for fun, but to reveal winners and losers. If you as a man live by this rule to the fullest the word “insignificant” should be voided from your life altogether. This is necessary in order to prove manliness, as men do not waste time.
The Glass Roses, Page 1: “Like everything else they did, their card playing was serious and purposeful.”
Step VII: Do Not Over Befriend Other Men
Perhaps the most important step of all, if you’re any man at all, you must never become overfriendly with other men, or become overly comfortable around them. True men must only talk on a formal basis, anything past and the men in question may infact find themselves being questioned about their intensions. Most importantly men must never “patt or poke” each other under any circumstances, men do not flirt with other men.
The Glass Roses, Page 5: “Some of the men’s laughing’ about him pattin’ and pokin’ you. I don’t like to hear anybody laughin at my son.”
Step VIII: Pick Fights
As a true man you are required to be strong. What better way to prove and display this strength to the world then through physical confrontation with other men. Obviously, though it’s much better to come out on top of these clashes, your manliness is secured non the less by simply taking part. After all, it’s the crooked noses and scars that make the man. So get out there and pick some fights, other true men are waiting to prove their manliness as much as you are.
The Glass Roses, Page 5: “If he bothers you, let me know and I’ll kick the guts outta him.”
Step VIV: Work Hard
True men do real work. No sissy line of employment is acceptable for a true man. It is Irrelevant how much money you haul in, if it’s a girly job you’re going to have to dump it. Men are not nurses, men are construction workers, men do hard work so that they can become strong. As said a dozen times before masculinity is measured in strength.
The Glass Roses, Page 5: “Don’t be afraid of hard work. Work never killed nobody.”
Step X: No Flowers
True men do not associate in anyway with flowers. The smell of a basket of roses, freshly picked from to garden should throw a wrench in any man’s stomach. True men love the smell of their own farts and dripping armpits, not flowers, flowers are for mothers. Men who do associate with flowers also tend to be the type that poke, prod, and flirt with other men, you should avoid these types at all costs, for being seen with them is a true threat to your manliness.
The Glass Roses, Page 1: “In our house in Tarnopol, there were glass roses. Pretty little flowers made of red glass. My mother was very proud of them.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Now that you know exactly what it takes to be a true muscular, masculine, man, you will be able to fit in. Your life can now flow directly with the stereotypes given to you by society based on your gender. Who knows, if you take these guidelines into your very soul to the point that you live and die by them, you may even be able to prove the stereotypes to be true.
