Perhaps one of the most prevalent constraints plaguing the human race, obesity remains at large in the world today. Through careful research and investigation, I have determined that America's lack of discipline towards fitness and wellness will eventually lead to a gravely compromised human race. Why are we so fat? That is the 400 pound question and I hope to be able to delve into the center of obesity and eliminate the source.
I would like to begin by blaming people from Kenya because you fucking suck. +1 category of FAIL
I would then like to draw upon several examples from the porn industry. As I'm sure many of you have noticed, popular pornographic sites such as
www.pornhub.com feature BBW sections. I dare not venture into the sweaty and flabby category seeping with low self esteem while some fucking whale suffocates a skinny white jew who got way more than he fucking bargained for. It is obvious that these female "actresses" (i know, they do look like rhinos but they're actually human LOL!) are getting paid to show their bodies (if you can call them that LOL!) on camera. For middle aged single women sitting at home and digging into the 3rd tub of "make me feel better about my life with chocolate chips" ice cream, the whales of porn are inspiring. They make the lonely women feel the need to stop riding the fucking stair climber for 10 mins once a week and give in to the power of Wal Mart because, hey, it's working for the fattys in porn. +1 category of fatties
Another horrid figure is Oprah. People who go on her show always end up feeling better about themselves solely because they're happy that they're not as fucking fat as her. For the rest, Oprah is inspiring because fat people can, in fact, be successful. +1 category of fatties
On top of porn and Oprah (dear god just those 2 together makes me want to kill myself with a throwing star), I feel as though obesity is mitigated by technology. To start off, God gave women the need to reproduce or some shit. God also blessed men with STANDARDS. No guy wants to reproduce with a fat chick, because then his kids might be fat bitch asses who complain about their asthma during kickball at recess. So when some fucking lame guido invented sperm banks, he gave fat chicks the ability to reproduce. So some dude goes into a sperm bank and he has an manly amount of fucking badass sperm so he donates it. How do you think he would feel if his future child was part fucking beluga whale? Probably not too fucking good. Also, by inventing cars with wheelchair ramps and rascal scooters, humans have eliminated the chance of a fat person getting eaten by a vulture while they waddle home from Wal Mart, or, even better, fat people being unable to get food because they're so fat and have no transportation so they eat all their furniture and then die. +1 problem
Many people try to blame Wendy's and other fast food for creating obesity. I say, fuck all yu bitchez and haterz, if Wendy's is manly enough to produce the fucking Baconator then they clearly are manly enough to realize that fat people suck ass, which launches me into an argument pertaining to the food industry. As a restaurant owner, who the fuck wants a fat person in their restaurant? All it means is that you have to make a shit load of food and they probably won't tip much because fat people are stingy. They're just walking liabilities, any moment they could have a heart attack or get attacked by ninjas who seek their flabs for shelter from other pursuing bands of ninjas, and then, fuck, you're to blame because Madame Porkins fucking died in your goddam restaurant. So, it's settled, we don't want fat people in our restaurants because they're annoying and breathe really loud. If we ban fat people from eating, we blow up to goddam birds with one excellently aimed bullet from a .50 cal, which reminds me of a fucking SNIIIIIIIIPE i had in Call of Duty the other day but I can talk about that in my next paper. So don't let the fatty's go to restaurants. BAM, problem partially solved. +1 SOLUTION
I would lastly like to draw upon an example from history. There was once a man named Francis Marion aka the Swamp Fox and he was fucking awesome. I'm sure he wasn't fat, so if people wanted to be like the fucking legit Swamp Fox, they wouldn't be fat. +1 dank category of ancestors
En conclusion (what now, i fucking speak french), fat people can take the dick (as long as it's not on camera)
