My Review of 300

Okay, so since everybody else on the planet seems to have this movie's cock down their throat I decided to make my own review to express my thoughts and feelings.

In my opinion 300 was just another high budget recruitment film, with no substance beneath the fancy icing of animated violence. I'll start with the plot. There wasn't one. All of you who saw the movie, think back and try to tell me what happened as the movie progressed. (Spoiler Warning, but read anyway because every line of the movie was more predictable than Romeo and Juliet) We see the Spartans trying to decide if the infant king to be is deficient enough to chuck him into their dead baby pit full of bones. Then he kills a wolf and they make him King for some reason. Next the Persian messenger came, the Spartan King, being an asshole, pushed him into a hole. The King then fucked his wife in a scene that they totally ripped off of one of the clips on Bangbros.com (I pissed my pants laughing when the montage switched to doggy style) Then the 300 Spartans left even though the council or whatever didn't want them to and met some other Greeks who were portrayed as week cowards (its not as though they were the first great thinkers in history or anything) then they walked to fight the Persians, stopping to condemn the barbarism with which the Persians murdered a village of Greeks (because throwing live babies into a pit full of bones is totally cool) On the way they meet this ugly guy who wants to fight, and the asshole King says no, so the ugly guy goes and cries. Then they fight the Persians for a while, nothing really changes here, in fact, I'm not sure they even said what they were trying to achieve by holding off the Persians. At some point the Persian king talks to the Spartan King in front of all the armies, and he puts his hands on his shoulders from behind and it looked like he was playing just the tip with the other dude's ass crack. Anyway back at home the Queen wants the council to do something (doesn't matter what, it doesn't go anywhere), so she lets some guy rape her (second part of the movie where I peed laughing "This isn't going to be quick, and you're not going to enjoy it") Then the guy accuses her of being an adulteress, and she stabs him, and miraculously a bag of change falls off of him, and so the council comes to the obvious conclusion that anyone with change on them is corrupt, so everything is all peachy again. So back at the battle the King sends one guy home to tell the story of what happened. Next another porno scene where the ugly guy goes to the persian king's tent and gets lap danced by a bunch of naked chicks. So the ugly guy, in return for bitches and hoes, tells the Persian King how to get around the Spartans and kill them. Then the Spartans all get killed. That's it, that's the movie. The only thing that changed from beginning to end is that the Spartans died. No unifying idea held the movie together aside from the theme of "Fighting for Freedom!" Which brings me to my next point. The theme song for 300 should have been "Proud to be an American." Every time the Spartan King stood up and preached to the other spartans, he said something along the lines of "WE MUST FIGHT TO DEFEND FREEDOM, AND LIBERTY, AND JUSTICE!"
or "TO BE A CITIZEN YOU MUST FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!" Great so the Spartans are fighting so that they can be free to keep throwing babies into a pit, yeah the Spartans really were saints. I couldn't have cared less when all the Spartans got slaughtered, because the filmmakers totally failed to make us empathize with them. The King was a total jerk, the soldiers never really talked, and the most remarkable thing we learn about their daily lives is that they kill babies. None of the characters in the movie were human, a fact that wasn't remedied by the film's acting. The producers could have cast Keanu Reeves for every role and achieved the same results. There's a good reason we've never heard of any of the actors in 300: they all suck. It reminded me of the voice acting from a Star Wars video game. That's probably why there were about six lines of dialogue in the whole movie, the director decided to cut his losses. Now what everyone is going to say is that its not supposed to be an Academy Award nominee, and that the action was awesome. Which I can kind of agree with. The fighting scenes were intense, but I thought they got toned down a lot by the excessive use of Matrix style slow motion shots and bells and whistles and shit like that. By the end of the movie, I was itching to see some real time Braveheart style raw bloody brawling. In conclusion 300 was stupid, and there is a God because he made the imax theater that we wanted to drive two hours to sell out before I could buy tickets.