I'm back bitches! And if you meet any of the following criteria, you are special...and should exit this thread immediately.
1. If you don't like to read things longer than 3 paragraphs...LEAVE!
2. If you have trouble detecting oozeing sarcasm...LEAVE!
3. If you can't take my stuff with a grain of salt...LEAVE!
4. If you hate material that could the least bit thought provoking...LEAVE!
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6. Finally, if your IQ does not exceed the total sum of the six numbers in this disclaimer, thats 1+2+3+4+5+6 for you slower folk...LEAVE!
Please do your best to comply with these six rules, you have been warned. Remember, God smotes another soulless, un-baptized, child every time you break one of these rules. When in doubt, just think about the those poor non-Christian children.
Are there any particular cars that you hate? That make you feel like you want to decapitate someone with a kitchen knife every time you see one on the road? Cars that look like shit? Cars that don't seem useful to anybody? Cars that only genuinely stupid people would buy?
This one takes the cake:
Are you a white collar worker looking to stick to your blue collar roots? Are you hot to go muddin' after your 9 o'clock board meeting? Are you a stupid asshole? Look no further than the Cadillac Escalade EXT. Okay, honestly? Who the hell would piss away 60k on one of these things? Why would you put half a pickup bed on the end of your luxury SUV?
Lets see. You have an automatic transmission, heated leather seats, a Bose satellite radio...bullfuckingshit you're ever going to use that half-assed bed. It's not practical at all. Instead of having that extra row of seats, or a cargo hatch back so your stuff doesn't get stolen or rained on, you have a stubbly little back that couldn't hold enough water to fill a bathtub. You can't even fit anything of reasonable size in the back of one of those.
Jesus Christ! This car is so shitty that real trucks have better mpg. Lets make a comparison:
MPG (city):
Cadillac Escalade EXT: 13
Chevrolet Colorado Crew Cab: 17
Chevrolet Silverado 1500 Extended Cab: 15
Dodge Ram 1500 Mega Cab: 14
Ford F-150 SuperCab: 14
Toyota Tundra: 15
Nissan Titan King Cab: 14
MPG (hwy):
Cadillac Escalade EXT: 17
Chevrolet Colorado Crew Cab: 22
Chevrolet Silverado 1500 Extended Cab: 19
Dodge Ram 1500 Mega Cab: 18
Ford F-150 SuperCab: 18
Toyota Tundra: 18
Nissan Titan King Cab: 18
The Escalade has WORSE mpg than any of those trucks. These aren't little trucks either...these are the BIG trucks used by farmers, construction workers, ranchers, hunters, and forest rangers around the world. All of those real trucks are also significantly cheaper than the Escalade. You are nothing but a moron and a toolbag if you buy an Escalade to haul anything!
If something isn't really practical on a car, it's usually a luxury or aesthetically pleasing. This is neither. It's just another ill conceived idea that suckers tasteless snots that don't have the sense to buy a real car or truck. If you really haul enough crap to need a pickup bed...you will buy a REAL pickup truck that can hold more than your aunt Orpha. If you're trying to impress people with your luxury car...you will buy a REAL car that doesn't look like a cheap marketing ploy from GM.
You what a luxury car? You can buy higher performance Audis, BMWs, Lexus, Buicks, Infinitis, Land Rovers, Mercedes, and even other Cadillacs with all the same crap for cheaper. You are nothing but a moron and a toolbag if you buy an Escalade EXT as a luxury car.
You want a use for that thing? I've got one! Haul away all the crap out of your branch corner office when you're were laid off by the company because you were an insecure little shit that just pushes paper and licks the CEO's nuts, proving that your just another useless worker ant with a poor taste in cars. If any of you own an EXT, I hope you get drunk while driving and plow into a pregnant lady the day before your best friends wedding!
Fuck You Cadillac! Fuck you for making this piece of shit. And a big "Fuck You!" anyone and everyone who bought this car and convinced GM to manufacture them for more than one year.
Question: Whats more useful than a Cadillac Escalade EXT?
Answer: A paraplegic that plays soccer.
