Bling, Bling.
The "vegan" thread inspired me to write about another group of people that revolve around eating.
The disclaimer. If you meet any of the following critera, you are special...and should exit this thread.
1. If you don't like to read things longer than 3 paragraphs (especially this one, its a doozey)...LEAVE!
2. If you have trouble detecting oozeing sarcasum...LEAVE!
3. If you can't take my stuff with a grain of salt...LEAVE!
4. If you hate material that could the least bit thought provoking...LEAVE!
5. If you hold some stupid grudge against me...LEAVE!
6. Finaly, if your IQ does not exceed the total sum of the six numbers in this disclaimer, thats 1+2+3+4+5+6 for you slower folk...LEAVE!
Please do your best to comply with these six rules, you have been warned. Remember, God drowns a kitten every time you break one of these rules. Just think about the cute little kitties.
"Do you know what really grinds my gears?"
Fat people!
Obesity is growing in this country. The average percentage of fat people is increasing in almost every state. This a serious problem that needs to be eradicated!
Now mind you, by fat people I'm not talking about the folks that are a few pounds over weight. I'm also not talking about the people that become grossly over weight because of a medical condition.
I am talking about the fucking beached orcas that are hundreds of pounds over a normal weight. I'm talking about the Joe/Roseanne Slob that takes up two seats on an airline. I'm talking about those damn sacks of lard that are overpopulating this country!
Seriously, why are they so fat? Is it because they can eat the entire gross domestic product of Panama in a single meal? Yep! Is it because their idea of physical activity is eating Pork Rinds and watching a tracker-pull on daytime ESPN? Yep! Is it because they are lazy and have no willpower? Yep! Is it because they are lesser human beings? I'd sure like to think so.
I probably wouldn't have much of a problem with these people...except that they are EVERYWHERE!!!
Honestly, walk down the a main street of your city sometime. Count how many fat people you see. You can find them waddling down the street, driving cars, eating, shopping, shop keeping, eating, shopping for food, eating some more, double parking their ass in a tow-away zone, etc. I seriously can't have a normal day without seeing at least one fat person.
There is one class I go to where its not uncommon to see a fat fuck in front of me stuffing their chubby little face with food. I will add that this bitch chews about a quietly as Michael Moore on a bender. I go to class to learn stuff, not to watch Jabba the Hut eat 6 metric tons of space muck!
I can't escape this crap...and I live in Durango! For all intensive proposes, my college should be a Rivendell, safely away from Sauron and his evils of fatness. Fat people are a cancer that is spreading across the world.
I'm now seeing more and more fat little 10 year olds in schools everywhere. How the fuck do kids manage to get so fat? They are still growing and have ungodly metabolism...and yet their bellies sag over their belts. Thats just wrong. KIDS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEER BELLIES!!!!!!! Don't these kids play outside, do sports, ride bikes, make mischief, pull pranks, run drugs, or something? Nope. All of these little piggies just eat, go to school, eat, play Xbox, eat, watch shitty Japanese cartoons, eat, sleep, and do it all over again. For Christ's sake, aren't kids supposed to be active? Of all the people on this planet, kids should NOT be fat.
That goes for teenagers too. Even though I can kinda understand this because teenagers are as intelligent as livestock. And before you ask, yes, a person's IQ does actually drop by 50 points the moment they turn 13, it will gradually start to comeback after they turn 19, but won't completely refill until they are in their mid-twenties.
Whoops, where was I? Let me see...
That episode of The Simpsons is wrong by the way. Obesity is not a legally recognized disability. Why should it be? Unlike disabilities such as mental retardation, cancer, or a gimp leg...BEING FAT IS COMPLETELY YOUR OWN FAULT!!!!!! No one else should take responsibility because you're a fat fucking piece of shit that always has to have chocolate buttered sausages as a side dish.
It makes me wonder, with all of the trendy diet crazes, why are there still growing numbers of fat people? Wait, I know! Its because NONE of those fucking diets work! Its all bullshit. Subway, Atkins, Weight Watchers, and all that other crap is a total farce. Think about it! People are trying to loose weight by eating food. Isn't that kinda like treating a concussion by beating yourself with a baseball bat?
Don't any of these dipshits realize that you loose weight by EATING LESS and WORKING OUT!?!?!?!? Is this really that difficult to understand? Push away from the dinner table sooner, and go for a fucking jog instead of watching Opera. You don't loose wight by depriving yourself of a food group! You need a balanced diet. NOT just meat. NOT just that hippy food crap. NOT just vegetables. NOT just tofu. Eat a little bit of everything. A balanced diet gives you all the nutrients for a heathy body. And for all the unhealthy stuff, exercise to work it out of your system. You burn fat by actually (God forbid) MOVING your body.
These current dieting methods aren't working and no one seems to notice common sense. Maybe we need use more drastic methods of eliminating obesity.
We could try a reverse-psychology diet (minus the psychology part). Why force fat people to go on these bullshit weight loss plans? We could force them to eat as much fattening food as possible. They will eat, and eat, and eat, and eat some more, they will grow fatter, their cholesterol will skyrocket, their arteries will clog with cupcake icing, and they will all eventually die of heart attacks. Problem solved, no more fat people! Sure, a large part of our county is dead, but at least none of the living ones are fat.
Now that I think about it, this wouldn't work. There isn't enough food in the world to feed these walruses. Not to mention disposing of all of dead bodies would cause an ecological disaster. We would have to move entire mountains to have enough dirt to burry all of these fatties. We can't cremate and burn the bodies because all of that burning fat would scorch a huge new hole in the ozone layer. We can't bury the bodies at sea because the displacement created by their sheer mass would flood every coastal city in the world. Scratch that.
We could put them all on the coke diet. How many serious cocaine addicts are fat? We just need to put them all on drugs. Its perfect. They will either go on a crash diet or die. This way, we wouldn't have to worry as much about the bodies because the corpses will all be skinny as rails.
Hmm...maybe that wouldn't work. Seeing as how a) drugs are bad b) it would cost to much. Scratch that.
The only other alternative I could think of is to officially declare an official discrimination policy against all fat people. We could call it the Obesity Emancipation De-Proclamation. Its sort of like the civil rights movement...but backwards. Fat kids could be picked on at school. There could be drinking fountains and restaurants that don't serve fat people. Fat people would be bard from using all public transportation...just think of it, bus companies could save billions with the improved gas milage. We could also deport the really fat ones to Ethiopia, try stuffing your face there you fat bastards! Or we could just set up concentration camps for the fatties of our nation. They would be forced into hard manual labor and starved until they are reach an acceptable wight, at which point they will be let back into society.
Maybe thats a little too ambitious. Sigh...I can always dream.
Colorado is the slimmest state in the US. We obviously must be doing something right. Coloradans must be the physically superior race. I'll see the rest of you tubby bastards in the underground salt mines...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
